The coming apocalypse

Frequently, I hear people asking what’s the best way to kill a zombie, as though the rise of the dead is just around the corner. However, looking at some posts on the web, I sometimes wonder if we’re not in for something worse: the NOOB apocalypse!

I predict that in a few years, all people incapable of distinguishing reality from fiction, or incapable of critical thought, will download a virus from their computer into their brain that will turn them into an almost indescribable species of failure. Their faces will be set in permanently dumbfounded look, their bodies will mutate to produce billowing folds of fat, and they will be incapable of speaking normal English. (They’ll be speaking something like what this translator tool gives out).
Intially, they will overwhelm people due to their sheer numbers, but their incredible stupidity will eventually turn against them. Noobs have been observed to be almost incapable of handling weapons in video games, and have no idea that guns can misfire or even need to be reloaded in real life. There is also the fact that their legs, unable to support all the bouncing fat, become disconnected from the brain and walk them off a cliff or in the wrong direction entirely.
The best way to kill a noob is to shoot it in the arse and block your ears. This humiliates it, causing it to scream obscenities and hop up and down. Eventually, it’s head will explode. Alternatively, the macho idiots courageous may prefer to stick high explosive in their mouths, stuff them into a cannon, and launch them at other noobs.

However, the best way to survive this is to BE PREPARED – which includes trying to prevent it happening. Persuade people to use correct spelling and grammar and not a messed-up form of Netspeak. Lobby politicians to INCREASE education spending and improve education. And if all else fails – BE PREPARED!!!!!!


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About Philip

I'm a physics graduate, sci-fi writer, budding game designer, and amateur human.

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